Juxtaposition

I just love this word. I wanna say it....a lot. It has several meanings, one is placing two things side by side, or the state of 2 things being close together. I like the meaning, too, mainly because it is something we humans all desire, closeness, to something, someone. I believe God put that innate longing in us, mainly for Him. Some of us spend a lifetime searching, and sometimes finding something or someone to be close to. Here's my question, can we be close to Him and the object we choose to yoke, all at the same time? Is the condition of the juxtaposition relative to our position? That just came right out of my head, whoa. Let me rephrase, is our relationship to our object relative to our closeness with Him? I think so. I am answering my own questions here. He wants us to be close to Him, yes, but He wants us to have good close relationships here on earth too, right? He is a jealous God, remember.........so how jealous. I think it was Paul who said that it would be better to be like him, meaning single I assume. I am sure, very sure this is a more dedicated way to live. I just couldn't. My instinctive desire to physically belong to someone is pretty strong. Yet, there are definite advantages to being single, spiritually speaking. The cares of life are completely altered once husbands and childen come along (singular on" husbands" for me!.) My prayer time now, honestly, is a sacrifice, when before, it came much easier. I am sure He understands, and hopefully takes in to account our responsibilites here on earth. After all, He allowed us these beautiful children, families, right?

Auto pilot

Isn't auto pilot a strange concept? What an ENORmous responibility to just turn over to machines! But we do it everyday, in a different way, in our own lives. Computers, phones, ipods, video games, television, movies. Our brains could be on autopilot every second if we wanted. Do we? I sometimes just want to turn everything off to hear the birds sing, insects chirp, wind blow, God speak. Our modern conveniences are awesome  tools for communication, and I couldn't imagine life without them. I just hope they don't overshadow my mind, who I really am. I struggle with quiet time. My world is hectic, even chaotic at times, so why would I ignore something that could guide me into the right decisions to make? I am just realizing where a lot of my stress comes from, it is simply confusion. Listening to music, when I should just find a place of peace/prayer. Nick laughs at me sometimes, because I am sitting in the bathtub at 2 in the afternoon. He says, "Having a bad day?" But it's my quiet/ me time. You gotta find it somewhere. Along with hearing God's voice, we may even hear our own. He made us in His image, so we should trust what he gave us, intuition/instinct. I was reading about the tsunami of '04, and how that few wild animals were killed. If that was true, why didn't people feel those same feelings of retreat? The scarry thing is, maybe they could have, but life is so distracting. Which makes me wonder, how is it worth it.......if it kills you.

Sometimes I feel like a hero, and sometimes I feel like a failure, and sometimes those two things collide.....and I feel nothing at all. Life is like that sometimes. You win some, you lose some, not sure who originally said that, but they are right. I just feel like I lose more than I win. I seek perfection, in a loose sense, like a clean house, etc. I just can't seem to get that one right. I know that in 20 yrs my children will not care how clean the house was, but whether there was love in it. I hope to fullfill the latter. I truly do love them, more than I even let myself realize sometimes, but I really do. That UB40 song, originally Elvis', I Can't Help Falling In Love With You was playing in the grocery store the other day, I was looking at Isabel, and that was just how I felt. I have fallen in love with my children, on top of the normal, instinctive "Mother" love. They are truly a beautiful gift from above, on loan from heaven. I know somewhere down the road they lose that angel status, but I am soaking it up for now. I just wish there was a handbook for children, my mistakes hurt me, and I just can't see the good in it. I've heard they need to see us make mistakes, so they know what to do, but what if we handle it wrong? Then they will handle it wrong. I just pray, God make them good in spite of me, in spite of my mistakes. I trust he will.

Is There Not A Cause?

I am starting out with something heavy. Commitment. How come it is so hard to grasp what this word involves? Why is it so much easier to let go, than to hold on for dear life. When speaking of marriage, I am disappointed by the quick to marry, quick to divorce people. It is a VOW!! Not many things in life take a vow to create. Some take signatures, or a quick, "Sure I can do that," but not a vow! Is that person worth a little effort? Are you? There are days when I could just run, just run and run until my legs give out, away from problems, away from life, but what a crazy thought! I honestly have the means, not many people do, to easily get a job far away with little effort, like Hawaii or Alaska. I am a nurse. But I have 3 beautiful children and a great family, so isn't it worth a little stress? Yes, it is. A while ago, we had a missionary come to our church and preach about David and Goliath. We church people know this story well, but he brought out something to me that day I had never  seen before ( The Word is that way.) He emphasized the phrase David said, "Is there not a cause?" Sure I have to fight a giant! But is there not a cause? A worthy reward? I just asked myself the same question, "Is it worth fighting for?" This life I have found myself in, my family I am blessed with? I had no hesitation in my answer, so I knew, it is worth it. Sometimes we can't see past the hurt and pain, and see the person hurting us as a human being that may be hurting too. Pray, pray for them. God tells us to love our enemies. Whoa, that means if we feel they have become our enemy, love them anyway!! Can't get out of that one so fast can we? Certainly there are situations that call for a different plan, like abuse, no one should accept abuse. But if things are just broken and seem unfixable, consider, "Is there not a cause?" 

The Beginning

What else could I write about but me? Coming from a mother's daughter who is totally realistic and true to life. I don't read much fiction, I want the real thing. I can imagine on my own, create a world and characters in a dream. But nothing matches real life and its rich (or poor) experiences. I want to hear what a real person has felt, seen, heard, smelt that I haven't had the joy (or sorrow) of feeling, seeing, hearing or smelling. I have always wanted to write a book. Something like, What I Know So Far, or Where I"ve Been, but I am just not that exciting or famous, nor is my life. But somewhere, someone may be in the same shoes I'm in, or maybe the same brand, and wish they knew the answer to the question, "How did She do it?" Well, here you go.